Bondage and other forms of kink are becoming part of the mainstream as the practice is gaining more exposure (Think 50 Shades of Grey). This is inspiring more people to introduce the practice into their relationships. However, it can be a little overwhelming trying to find a way to introduce the idea to a partner.
We all experience a fear of rejection or may feel shy about opening up and expressing our desires. Which is why we will give you a few suggestions on how to go about it.
Open the lines of communication
Trust and communication are vital for any relationship and it’s especially key for BDSM.
Even if you have been in a relationship for a long time, opening up about this can be uncomfortable. It’s important to remember, however, that your partner is not a mind reader and will not know what you want if you don’t ask for it.
Find the Right Time to Have a Discussion
It’s not a good idea to bring it up right before, during or right after sex. Your partner may feel ambushed or like they aren’t pleasing to you. You don’t want to corner them into a conversation that they might find uncomfortable and then reject the idea just because the timing was wrong. Choose instead a time when you’re both relaxed and can talk about it with no pressure.
And avoid using abstractions and “what do you think about people who do…” Those kinds of conversations are easy to dismiss, especially if your partner does not know you are serious. Instead, mention how there is something you want to do or try with your partner. It includes them as part of the fantasy and gives them an active role in imagining it.
Don’t Reveal Your Dirty Little Secret
When you talk to your partner about your fantasies and desires for kink, to act like you are sharing some deep dark secret that you are ashamed of. It’s easy to feel like it’s a horrible thing to have a kink because we live in a repressed sexual society. However, you are wanting to engage in an experience with your consenting partner, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s important to frame it in a fun and exciting light so that they feel free to respond to it in a positive manner.
Listen to Your Partner
It’s important that the communication is open and flowing in both directions. It’s important to listen to what your partner wants or does not want. Listening to them and their concerns and answer any questions you might have is of extreme importance. Also, be sure to ask your partner what her or she wants. Ask them about their fantasies and see if you can work on making those a reality as well.
Talk about the practicalities
Talk about the specifics of what you want and how it would work practically. Set your boundaries and allow your partner to set theirs. Come up with a safe word or action and establish the rules of play. Things that are allowed in the bedroom may not necessarily be allowed in real life and other areas of your relationship. And if you can’t open up to do this face to face, it’s ok to try it in e-mail or even by texting!
Once you have opened the way for communication, everything else becomes much easier to achieve. Don’t be afraid of asking. Just remember, if you never ask, you will never know.